Phone Calls
by xcrysto
Summary: The Tardis phone rings at a rather...inappropriate time for River and the Doctor...but who is on the other end? A whole new meaning to the phrase 'phone sex' maybe?


_Another little one-shot that popped into my head! Please enjoy and please please review to let me know if you did! Thank you sweeties! x_

* * *

><p>The Tardis doors burst open and two Time Lords tumble in, slamming it hurriedly shut behind them as the shouting and pounding feet continue outside.<p>

"River! Fly her!" The Doctor shouts as he locks and leans all his weight against the door as what sounds like an army (and isn't far off it) starts to bang and hammer against it.

"Where?" River shouts back as she races up the stairs to the console and starts flipping down levers to boot up the engine and prepare her for flight.

"Anywhere that's not here!"

"Stand back I'll blow the doors open!" Comes an angry shout from outside.

"_Now!" _Cries the Doctor as he struggles to hold the doors shut from the raging mob outside.

River laughs as she flies round the console pressing buttons and pulling levers to send her into flight. The familiar whooshing noise of the Tardis' engines start up (no time take the handbreak off!) and the Doctor breathes a sigh of relief as the noise from outside ceases and he turns round to face River, slumping back against the door. He grins at her, both their faces flushed with the adrenalin and she grins back.

"You've got to admit my love," she tells him, "we make a fantastic team!"

"Oh River Song," he replies as he remains slumped against the door, still trying to catch his breath. "That we do!"

She blows out a breath of her own, pushing back her hair, slightly damp from sweat, from her face, and running her hand though the wild curls.

"Where did you take us?" The Doctor asks her.

She shakes her head in reply. "Nowhere we're in the vortex."

"Ah. So!" He pushes away from the door, smoothing back his own hair and straightening the lapels of his jacket. "Where to now?" He darts up the stairs, flashing her another grin, and places a hand on a lever to flip it down to start up the engines again. River's hand on his quickly halts him.

"You never stop do you?" She asks him in amazement.

"Nope!" He grins at her. "And don't tell me you want to?"

She laughs. "Well I am certainly not going straight off on another one of our adventures right now sweetie. Are you trying to kill me? If nothing else I at least need a cup of tea after that."

He huffs. "Fine, fine. Go and have a cup of tea. Sit down, put your feet up and do other boring things." He grumbles.

She laughs at him again. "Don't pout sweetie it doesn't suit you," she teases him, stroking his cheek with her hand. "And I have a better idea…how about _I _go and sit down, put my feet up and do other boring things while _you _go and make me a cup of tea?"

"Oh that's a good idea is it?" He folds his arms playfully. "And what do I get out of it?"

"Hmm…" she pretends to think for a moment as the Doctor smirks at her, raising an eyebrow. "Well, since it would be _very _nice of you…" she runs a finger down his chest seductively. "…I'll let you have a slurp of my tea." She finishes, poking him cheekily.

The Doctor catches her hand before she can pull it away. "That's very rude, I'm certainly not making you any now."

"Well what did you hope to get out of sweetie?" She asks innocently, batting her eyelashes at him.

He smirks and steps closer to her. "Something more along the lines of this," he whispers before leaning in and kissing her soundly.

She clings to him, pressing her mouth back against his and opening it so their tongues can tangle together. They both moan softly into the kiss and his hands clutch at her, pulling her tight against him as hers find their way into his hair. When they break apart they are both breathless again, their faces flushed once more.

"There's nothing like a good bit of adrenaline for the sex drive is there?" She mutters, her voice low and thick and full of desire.

His eyes seem to darken a few shades. "I've wanted you all day River," he confesses, his voice low to match hers. "Oh and when you blasted all those robot-guardsmen to bits I wanted to take you right there…"

"Why didn't you?" She breathes, breathless with lust now as his hands find their way under her top.

"We still had an army after us my dear. I fear it may have delayed our escape somewhat if we'd stopped for a quickie in the great hall."

She chuckles softly as she tugs at his bowtie. "Well. You can make up for it now."

Their mouths meet again and they pull each other, if possible, closer, only parting briefly for him to mutter, "right here?"

And her to reply, "don't think we're gonna make it anywhere else my love," before they are kissing each other for all they are worth. As he squeezes the flesh he finds beneath her shirt the Doctor just about manages to muse that River is definitely right; there certainly is nothing like adrenalin to jump start the sex drive, and things are just started to get rather heated indeed when with spectacular timing, the Tardis phone rings.

The Doctor growls a little as he pulls away just enough to hiss, "damn it," irritably.

"Ignore it," River breathes, pressing another kiss to his lips.

"No," he sighs. "I can't, it could be…something important…galaxies imploding, whole races in danger…the usual sort of thing."

She sighs crossly as he pulls away from her to get the phone. "It _better _be a galaxy imploding," she grumbles.

He pauses for a second to take and breath and smooth back his hair before he picks up the receiver. "Hello, this is the Doctor!"

River rolls her eyes.

"Ah! You actually answered sweetie. Well this is a nice surprise." Comes the voice down the phone. The Doctor does an impression of a goldfish, gaping at River standing across from him glaring and then moving the phone from his ear to stare at that too.

Tentatively he put it back to his ear. "…Um…hello…?"

"Well hello yourself," laughs the voice down the phone. "You sound surprised to speak to me my love."

"No, no. Well, yes. Just…rather a co-incidence that you should call me now is all…"

"Co-incidence? Why?"

"Er…no reason. I meant…surprise. Yes, it's a surprise to hear from you and its…not really a very good time if I'm honest…can you maybe hang up and call another me?"

"What?"

The River he is currently with has tired of his attention being on someone other than her - she doesn't know who he's speaking to and doesn't really care - it doesn't sound like a galaxy-imploding kind of conversation so she doesn't see why she should. Holding his gaze steadily she slowly starts to unbutton her blouse, a small smirk on her face.

"Uh…" The Doctor stutters as he looses his train of thought as River's first button un-pops and he gets a glimpse of her cleavage.

"Doctor!" Comes other-River's voice sharply down the phone.

"What - yes?"

"What's going on?"

"Er…" He watches another button undo. "Nothing, this just…is not a good time…"

"What? Are you serious?" She demands down the phone.

"Yes, it's just…well I'm sorry but I really…have to…" he swallows hard as he gets a nice view of the black lace of River's bra. "…go…"

"What, why? Doctor, you don't even know what I was calling for!"

The River down the phone is getting annoyed and the River in front of him also looks like she's getting annoyed at his continued attention to whoever's on the phone. She abandons her shirt buttons and puts her hands on her hips, unintentionally (or maybe intentionally) pulling apart her half-unbuttoned shirt even more. "Who is it?" She mouths at him.

The Doctor glares at her and puts a hand over the receiver. "You!" He mouths back.

Her eyebrows shoot up. "What?"

"Doctor?" River says through the phone again. "Tell me what's going on, why won't you talk to me?

"Nothing, it's just…I'm a little…tied up right now I…"

"You're what?""I'm busy."

"Busy!"

The other River - the current River who is with him right now suddenly laughs. "_Oh -_ I remember this!"

"Who was that?" Comes the suddenly sharp voice through the phone.

"What - who?""That! Who just spoke…is someone else there Doctor?""Umm…"

Current River was _not_ helping, she was simply looking at him with raised eyebrows and a smirk on her face.

"Doctor." The voice through the phone sounded like it was being ground out through gritted teeth. "What are you doing?""Nothing!" Was his automatic response.

"Just tell her!" Laughs current River.

"What? Who is that, who are you with?"The Doctor sighed loudly. "It's you.""What's me?""I'm with _you_ River, and me and you are…well, sort of busy so could you please hang up and find another me to come running to your call?"

"…You're with me?"

"Yes!"

There was a short pause. "If you were with me I'd remember this happening."

He gives a sigh of frustration. "It's a future you, River, obviously."

The other end of the phone was silent for a few moments then. "Let me talk to her."

"What?"

"If it's me, let me talk to her - me."

"What? Why? Don't you trust me?"She doesn't miss a beat. "Rule one."

"River, honestly River, why would I lie about this - I'm with you, I -"

"Just give me the phone," Current River says with exasperation as she grabs it from him and lifts it to her ear. "Hello River, yes, this is me. You."

"Oh my God, you are me aren't you…well this is strange."

"I know. And you just interrupted something you're going to wish you hadn't when you're me."

She laughs. "Oh. I'm sorry."

"You're apologising to yourself."

"Hmm yes I suppose I am…and now I'm jealous of myself too."

Current River laughs. "You have good reason to be."

"Ooh are we…in the console room? Oh I've always fantasised about doing it on the console."

"I know. And haven't I yet?"

"No. Don't you remember?"

"I loose track."

It's other River's turn to laugh. "Well, I suppose there are a lot of places to keep track of."

"Oh yes."

"And even more for you."

"Oh _yes."_

"Oh the spoilers! I do look forward to it all."

"Ok, the Doctor's mouthing at me and waving his arms about. Something about paradoxes and imploding universes or some nonsense so I think we better hang up."

River through the phone sighs. "Never any fun is he?"

"Well, you know him."

"I do. Although obviously not as well as you do…as I will do, I mean to say."

She laughs again, locking eyes with the Doctor. "And it's such a shame we're having to hang up…think of the fun we could have had…me here…me on the end of the phone…"

"Oh!" The River down the phone laughs naughtily. "It would give phone sex a whole new meaning!"

"It certainly would!"

"Hmm…speaking of which that's something I must remember to try with him…"

"Oh yes, you _must_."

She can hear her other self grinning down the phone. "Is it good?"

"Spoilers! You'll have to find out won't you?"

"Ok!" The Doctor interrupts, having had enough of being teased and talked about like he wasn't there with…two versions of the same person. Which, if he was honest, was slightly disturbing him. One River was more than enough at a time! "Fun as I'm sure this has been for you both," he says, taking the phone off River and speaking to them both with the phone to his ear. "If it goes on any longer there's a very serious danger of you ripping a hole in time - _once_ was enough - not to mention I'm finding this whole situation rather hard to cope with so River, I'm afraid this is going to have to be goodbye for now."

He can hear her pouting down the phone. "Fine, fine. Goodbye then my love. Be good to me!"

"Oh - I will." He grins.

She laughs. "You always are." He hears her make a kiss noise and then the phone clicks and goes dead.

"Well," says the Doctor as he puts down the phone, "that was slightly mind boggling."

"Two versions of me at different points in time, mind boggling for a Time Lord?" She teases.

"Two versions of _you, _yes."

"I take that as a compliment."

"Really?" He flirts back as he steps close to her again to wrap his arms round her. "Damn, it was meant to be an insult."

She slaps his chest lightly as she slides her hands up to wind round his neck. "It _is_ a shame you made me hang up. We really could have added a whole new dimension to the term 'phone sex', you know…with me being here at the same time as I'm on the phone to you somewhere else." She grins cheekily at him, delighting in his slight blush.

"Phone sex? Really River?" He pinches her side lightly as he drops a kiss to her neck.

"Mmm hmm. Don't pretend you don't love a bit of that sweetie."

He chuckles softly, kissing her neck again. "Can't say I've ever tried it," he mumbles against her skin.

"_Really? _Oh - spoilers for you too then? Well - don't worry, you'll find out soon enough. I'm going to call you back in about…" she glances at her watch. "Three and a half hours time."

He perks up at this. "You will?"

She nods, smirking at him.

"And where will this you be?"

"Asleep, apparently. Or so I've been told. So I guess that means you've got about three hours to wear me out. If you do want to find out exactly what phone sex is like that is."

He laughs and tugs her closer. "I take that as a challenge then Doctor Song."

She laughs back. "Good!"

He can't help but grin at her. This woman, how he loved her. "Do you know what? I wouldn't have our relationship any other way River," he tells her quite seriously.

It's her turn to grin at him. "Even though it's so…" she searches for a word and ends up using his own (it's stupid but really, she has to admit, the only that fits) "timey-wimey?"

Another smile and he pulls her closer to bury his face in her hair. "_Especially _because it's so timey-wimey."


End file.
